Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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