someone owes me an orgasm
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
