Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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