I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
