I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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