you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
