NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i've created a new STD.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
