seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
