he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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