I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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