there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
