Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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