after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
