Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
