1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
