god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
