I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
