Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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