Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
