I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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