he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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