I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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