so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
