Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why do cheetos always look like penises
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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