Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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