I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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