It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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