My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
