Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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