I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i drank out of a bidet.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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