Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
