Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently you make a good broom.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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