You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I use my feet as sexual weapons
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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