I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
