I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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