her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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