I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hippo gnu deer
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Are my feet made of real feet?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
