First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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