I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
