Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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