So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
