It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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