NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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