I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
