Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
