If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
