It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
