Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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