took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
