I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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