I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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