My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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