You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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