Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in