I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.