I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
