i think my mom watched the whole time
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
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But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry