the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
