My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
