I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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